So I know I haven't been very active on here, but I have been working on six murals for my sister's clinic that are going to span across the walls. So very large. I have a few commissions and projects I need to pick back up, but I just wanted to just.. let go through a journal a bit of what I've been holding onto.
Been going to counseling sessions, I have some real issues with sex and love and emotions and trust, like deep deep to my core til it hurts and I'm feeling ashamed. My father, who adopted me when I was 9, has leukemia again, and will be going to get a more invasive and risky procedure of a bone marrow transplant in hopes to cure him. I have been worrying about if my choice in a major, studio art, and want to chase after two dreams of science and art. I'm also leaving my home, this time, I may have nothing to come back home to and it's tough.
My father alone having leukemia has been hard on all of my family members, not to say that my other siblings can't feel as strongly as I do, but I'd like to make my claim that his existence is my world. He is the person I can trust, and know that I will always be accepted by him. He spent my childhood, investing his knowledge, kindness, and laughter as well as other important things. He's always been there for me through my darkest days, and while he doesn't know everything about me, he knows how much he means to me. He is my family. And when he passes, there will be a huge hole in my life. My self worth when I was 9 was nothing, no one wanted me, my mother ended up not being capable of being a mother to me, neither did my adopted mother, so the one parent in my whole life told me and believed in me, that I could be something. That I was something. He had more to do with me than any other person, and he means everything to me.
So how do I say goodbye? How do I look at him tomorrow, and wonder about the 50/50 chance of him living or dying in the next six months? Like how do you even express that in words? That man, saved me, how do I..?
How do you say goodbye?
How do you hug someone, and just try and push out all of those emotions, of fear that it could be the last time you see them, the worry you'll have, the overwhelming nostalgia of memories, the emptiness that when they are gone, you'll never see them again?
Never have to hear them laugh about baseball, or hoot like an owl when KU gets a three pointer to win the game at the last second? Or to hear them compliment your cooking? Or tell you how much they are proud of you? Even the way they obsess about politics, or old movies..?
There is just so much that I haven't done with my dad, that I want a chance to include him in. I want him to interrogate my fiance [when I ever get one], and hold my first child and smile so brightly it causes the wrinkles on his face to tighten. I am so scared, that when he passes away, if it's soon, and it could very well be soon, I won't have anyone.
Sure there'll be condolences, but at the end of the day, I'll be battling with the loss of both parents..